• Are you mourning a breakup or divorce and don’t know how to move forward?

• Do you find yourself saying or doing things you don’t actually mean?

• Do you feel like you keep attracting the same type of problematic relationships?

• Are you disillusioned by the current dating scene and ongoing situationships?

The Problem

We have a love/hate relationship with relationships. Whether family, friendships, or romantic, these connections can be the source of our greatest joys, but also our fiercest pain.

According to attachment theory, we are biologically dependent on relationships for survival, growth, and thriving. Relationships, at their core, need to provide a sense of safety and security.

When we experience a pattern of healthy interactions, our brains give us the green light to interact with our environment without fear. This becomes our road map that is applied to all new environments & relationships.

During your upbringing, you may have tried out a new game at the playground without fear or sang in your living room without shame. As an adult, this looks like showing up in your relationships without overthinking or withdrawing.

However, when you lack a sense of safety or security, you learn to respond in one of these ways:

• Anxiety, clinginess, desperation

• Pull away, withdraw, avoid

• Mix of both

These are all survival instincts learned to give yourself the safety & security you were lacking. Internally, they are literally interpreted as “life or death.” This is why emotions feel so intense or why you instinctively say or do things you don’t mean.

Maybe you’ve had a loved one who was physically or emotionally absent. Or perhaps they were smothering or abusive. Maybe someone was critical, or maybe they were chaotic and unpredictable. You learned to respond, cope, and protect yourself accordingly.

This pattern becomes replicated across all relationships, which is why you feel like you keep ending up in the same cycle:

• In romantic relationships, you default to being either the “passive” or “controlling” one

• In friendships, you struggle to feel belonging, depth, or support from others

• With family, you face tension between others’ needs & wants and your personal autonomy

• These dynamics can also play out at work

As a result, you may feel unlovable, incapable, or undeserving of meaningful connection.

The Path Forward

If you’re looking to improve your relationships, the goal is to regain an internal sense of safety & security — to retrain your nervous system to know that you’re safe to independently move, explore, and engage in relationships without fear of getting hurt or abandoned.

It may be instinctive to want to find ways to impress someone else, to change their mind, or to win them over — but these strategies are ultimately unhelpful. These don’t address the root issue: that your brain is overwhelmed and over-protective. Additionally, these keep you dependent on someone else for worth, fulfillment, and healing.

During therapy, we can take space to:

• Identify current behaviors, beliefs about self, coping patterns

• Explore key relationships that informed your sense of safety & worth

• Re-write your narrative to believe that you are both good enough and deserving of quality relationships

• Practice new skills to not only communicate effectively with others, but to also advocate for yourself

• Learn how to “love” yourself through positive self-talk, somatic practices to cope with distress

Alongside of internal healing, you also need redemptive experiences to reinforce your inner strength and worth. You can practice small ways to “put yourself out there.” It could be as small as going to your favorite coffee shop by yourself. These experiences show to yourself that you can to step into something “scary” and remain in one piece. This starts to build confidence and safety within yourself.

Redemptive experiences may not immediately lead to the desired relationship, but you can learn to feel okay within yourself to continue waiting & searching. In the meantime, you can start to enjoy your own company and appreciate the life you currently have. This paradoxically opens yourself up for new experiences, new opportunities, and new relationships.

It may feel unorthodox or even self-centered to focus on the attachment — or relationship — with yourself. However, at the core, it is up to you to nurture your nervous system. Relationships come and go, and others will eventually hurt you.

While this may initially sound lonely or unfair, caring for yourself is actually one of the most loving practices you can do — how you “love” yourself shows to yourself & others that you are deserving of meaningful relationships.